Fender acoustic with the electric neck
Seventies tele that’s too heavy
Rickenbacker copy twelve string
Cream coloured thinline with black pick guard
Yellow Japanese Lap Steel, 2001
Full bodied Epiphone acoustic
Aqua and deep red Mustang reissue
What is depression?
And how do you find it?
Is it fear?
Is it crossing the street to avoid people for no reason?
Is it worrying what people may say will upset you?
Is it wondering if you’re doing the wrong thing?
Is it looking back and not being proud?
Is it a close heart and a dishonest mouth?
Is it relief when you get away without giving away?
Is it hate?
Is it wanting to smash a stranger on a steet?
Is it wanting to scream and shout at people in your way?
Is it wanting to crash cars into buildings?
Is it wanting to turn people against others?
Is it wanting the world to spin into the sun?
Is it wanting scorch Earth as you go?
Is it loneliness?
Is it constantlly refreshing your emails?
Is it keeping your phone nearby and in reach?
Is it staying out when you know you shouldn’t?
Is it avoiding going home when you should?
Is it spending money to keep from being bored?
Is it a blank page without colour?
What is depression?
And how do you lose it?
A friend of mine wrote a poem
About his early twenties
And the line that always gets me is
“When I look back on this time
I see myself as being completely out of control”
I feel like it’s slipping out of my fingers too
But it’s not late nights and undiscipline
It’s waking up and going to work
It’s structure with no time
It’s an early adulthood wasted in later adulthood
Could I start again?
With all my possesions
Last count – thousands of CDs
Guitars, pianos and books.
I couldn’t live without my books.
And there’s vinyl
I could lose some but how can I
Throw out that John Reed Club one that Andy gave me
Or that funny one with the Shakespeare quote
“speak low when you speak of love”
That I bought at the Opera House
That I wore when I asked her out in High School
And she said yes
And jackets, the half dozen of them
That people recognise as me more than my face
And the TV, you’ll never find another one
That good for that cheap.
Those DVDs I’ve got from the states.
Couldn’t buy those again
And friends and family.
If it was for something then yes.
For a job, or for a girl.
Or maybe just go
Like that picture of Billy Bragg
at a train station somewhere
With a backpack, guitar
And sitting on a little amp
Because it’s Billy Bragg after all
Maybe I’ve dug myself in and I didn’t notice
My world shrunk but I shrunk with it
I’ve got all my homewares and entertainment
A steady income, a series of actvities
All the mod cons and signs of consumption
I’m young, successful, living well
And I see myself as being completely out of control
They put mirrors up
to create the illusion of space
They cover plastic toys
With wooden patterned paint
“I’ve got my own double cross to bear”
How do Comedians stand the same jokes every night?
My favourite ones all wanted to die
I might not be drunk
But I’m going to be fucking your girlfriend later
Now that’s magic