My heart won’t stop

I am so tired. I’ve had a biggish night of dinner and laughing at a tv, some walking and of course a long day at work. I am utterly exhausted.

And I can’t sleep. It’s 2am, and I have been lying here for three hours.

When I close my eyes my brain still feels wide awake. Maybe it’s something on my mind, but this is usually the case anyway.

Its really quite horrible. My body is not in anyway wired. In fact, I barely want to get out of bed to get water or anything. I’m wasted. Yet I know I’m not sleeping.

This happens every so often. A lot less in the past year, but still several times a year. And I’ve eaten well today. No coffee since this morning. No soft drinks at all. Even had a glass of wine with dinner that should be soothing me. It’s not.

I even yawn. My eyes don’t want to stay open. My arms and legs sag, like bean bags in their own funny way. But the vicious circle is I’m trying hard to be relaxed. And after several minutes and I just have to toss and turn a bit. And we’re back at the bottom of the hill.

How do you sleep? Who teaches you? I vaguely remember primary school, and the counting sheep trick. That has never worked for me. how do you relax when you have trouble sleeping? Even more cosmetic things like pillows and what to wear. On your side, or on your back? No one teaches us. So I’m just guessing. I would like to know how my hair gets the way it is come morning.

So writing this has wasted some more minutes. The rest of the night will pan out like this. Around 3, 3:30, I will get really annoyed I’m not asleep. I will roll around and just try and force myself to plateau out. Around 4:30 I will start feeling really guilty about tomorrow and start trying to convince my body that it will be hurting tomorrow, that we have like four hours left. By 5:30 I will be thinking I might as well lie here for a bit longer and then go straight to work, nuking my system with coffee to get by.

Then by 6 I will fall asleep, and wake to my normal alarm, and feel like hell.

I can’t even do anything. I can’t read. I can’t listen to music. That is commiting myself to no sleep. I have to hope that somehow, some way, I will sleep very soon. I can’t miss it when it happens.

So I better get back to it. This could be the moment.

Danny

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